Tyrmia Beta Readers

[Ken McConnell]

This forum is for the Beta Readers of my next novel, Tyrmia. If you are reading a draft of that novel, please put anything of note that you find, in this forum. That way I can address it in the next draft. Thanks!

*** SPOILERS ABOUND, you have been warned! ***

[Bill Blohm]

Tyrmia, p.166, Korre points to the top chambers of the manor and says her rooms are being prepared. I think I asked about that last time, too, but how was word sent ahead? It's just the jump that makes it noticable. Might want to move that to after they arrive. It just seems to break the flow being there, enough that it might make a reader pause and wonder how the order was sent on ahead.

Obviously, they have radio, and thus most likely telephone as well, so Korre could have sent word ahead. No problem there, it's just the break in the flow.

[Bill Blohm]

In the early part of the book, Talon proposes and Zerdy turns him down. Because of this, they never were engaged, yet you have Talon refering to Zerdy as his fiance and later on Tyrmia, Zerdy reflects similarly. With no engagement, they shouldn't be referring to a broken engagement nor to each other as being a fiance.

[Bill Blohm]

Page 170, start of Ch. 36, second paragraph. I know you're going to change it to King, but in this paragraph, Zerdy is referencing the ruler as "...the Emperor or King or whoever ruled these people." She would know what to reference him as, since they've already made some references to meeting with the Emperor previously. So, this ambivalence is out of place.

[Bill Blohm]

End of Ch 39 into start of Ch 41...how did Zerdy get out of ther room? Why was she let go? Part of that comes from how later on when boarding the bomber she seems pissed off at Korre, but there is no reason given. May want to consider linking these two better, even if it's just the two officers summarily dismissing her.

[Bill Blohm]

Ch 46...Right after Korre got word of Zerdy's escape you have " -- find Sxeredy before she made it back to Krechna." How would he know she was heading to Krechna? After all, the Vurhne have many escape routes and all he knows is that they helped her escape.

[Bill Blohm]

Ch 47, several times previously you have made a point of women not being allowed in the military. Now you say "dressed in clothing appropriate for a Votain military woman. The explanation immediately after helps, but you might want to double-check the wording of previous mentions against women in the military.

[Ken McConnell]

I think he assumes she would be heading back to the jungle.

[Ken McConnell]

Agreed. That will get fixed in D2.

[Bill Blohm]

Yeah, that became evident later on. It is, after all, the safest place for her now.

[Ken McConnell]

This is one of those things I need to rethink in the second draft. I think I need to make it clear that she thinks of the Votains and being just like what she knows, which would be the Votainions from where she came from. But these people, the Votains, are not exactly like the Votainions. So it is possible that they have women in their military, just not in anything other than support roles. Think WW2 not Present Day, where women may not be allowed to fight directly, but they still do a great deal of ground fighting.

So it's just a matter of me tweaking the text all the way through to make it more clear. Definitely a good catch though and something that needs fixing.

[Bill Blohm]

Ok, in Chapter 52 you reference "an elderly black man". At first that seemed odd, simply because it seems hard to imagine a black man surviving in that society. Later on you reference a blue tint to his blackness, so I'm thinking that it might be better to include that reference to the blue closer to the point where you first introduce him, possibly in the same line, or at least paragraph, where you have the "an elderly black man". After the byplay between Zerdy and Vitor and then later Korre's thoughts when he reads the captain's description of blue eyes, I have to think that pure white and pure black would be in a similar situation: extremely rare and only among royalty. So in that case, the likelihood of such a person managing to survive to that age as a Vurhne seems virtually impossible, especially since as a rarity they'd have their comings and goings probably more closely monitored than the average noble in that society.

Hope that makes sense.

Just some jumbled thoughts about this particular meeting.

[Ken McConnell]

Sometimes when you are writing a first draft, ideas about a scene are not completly firmed up. I think this is one of those times. You are right, polar opposites would be rare. But if someone were born, human and black, he would be very rare and perhaps the leaders would protect him and treat him like the Hindu treat a new incarnation of Buddha. Born to be their rebel leader. After all, the Tyrmian Shaman immediately saw Szeredy as a Spirit incarnate. No reason to think that the Humans and Vurhan would not do the same. This would give Zerdy and Mholb something in common.