Tyrmia Beta Readers
This forum is for the Beta Readers of my next novel, Tyrmia. If you are reading a draft of that novel, please put anything of note that you find, in this forum. That way I can address it in the next draft. Thanks!
*** SPOILERS ABOUND, you have been warned! ***
*** SPOILERS ABOUND, you have been warned! ***
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Bill Blohm on -
That works, and also plays into Mholb's demeanor. Nice!
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Permalink Reply by Bill Blohm on
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D1.54.340 "...wore a cramk electric lantern on his chest." Is there a particular reason for the lantern being mounted there? I'm somewhat aware of what's coming after our discussions, but this seems an awkward configuration. I'd have thought it to be head mounted even if perhaps the cranking generator were mounted on his hip or some such. Chest mounted makes it harder to orient and has to be removed if they need to crawl through any areas, as happens shortly after this initial mention. I think pretty much since the dawn of mining lights, be they lanterns or electric, were either hand-held or head mounted if they weren't mounted in the walls of the tunnels. Just something to think about.
Course, if it's what you're after, it is a perfect target but remember the night sight issue. ;-)
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Permalink Reply by Ken McConnell on -
So much for trying to be different. ;-) Prolly change that to hand held. Head mounted is so tired. I mean everyone has head mounted lights. Also, these are not as directional as a modern spelunking light. I'll rework that in D2.
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Permalink Reply by Bill Blohm on
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D1.55.345 near the bottom: "to cover Vitor, who was sitting where Vholm was standing," You really need to specify if Vholm is now a zombie or what. :D This reads as if he got shot in the head and chest, then after he fell inert to the ground, got back up and was standing by where Vitor moved to. A simple change from 'was' after Vholm to 'had been' makes a huge difference and keeps Vholm dead.
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Permalink Reply by Ken McConnell on
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Mmmm, little late to introduce zombies, so guess I'll fix that.
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